Fantasy Football Advice: Ask Papa Weimer Week 5

Posted on October 7, 2009 by Papa Weimer

I couldn’t get the deal done last week, but I still answered all the questions that came in. So those of you that wrote in, keep doing so. Those of you that want to write in but can’t figure out how, send me an email at papaweimer50@hotmail.com – questions asked will be questions answered. As for football this weekend, my respect goes out to Brett Favre. The Packers weren’t going to let Adrian Peterson beat them, and Brett didn’t mind one bit, he just went out and threw lasers all over the field to beat his former team. Good on ya Brett! On to the questions…

I’m Tim Too asks, “Do I trade Rashard Mendenhall now, with his value oh-so-high, or do I wait until after Detroit for him to have even more value?” I have Ronnie Brown, Steve Slaton, Chris Johnson, and Knowshon Moreno already, and I need help at receiver to pair with my current trio of Carolina’s Steve Smith, Nate Burleson, and Roddy White. If I can trade Mendenhall for Boldin, should I do it? Or should I wait and see if I can’t trade Mendenhall for Andre Johnson after this weekend?”

I would trade Mendenhall for Boldin right now if you could. I like Mendenhall, and my nephew absolutely loves the guy, but you have great backs and solid receivers, but Boldin would probably be your surest thing moving forward. You never know what Tomlin is going to do with Rashard, how his youth will get taught lessons, and how Willie Parker will be used in that offense. What you do know is that if Boldin is on the field he is a PPR machine that makes touchdowns happen. And while Kurt Warner likes him, Matt Leinart relies even more on Boldin. So no matter what happens in Arizona, you’d think Boldin does big things. I’d rather have Andre Johnson, but what if Mendenhall doesn’t dominate the Lions, what if Parker gets half the carries, I think that if you are going to trade Mendenhall, Boldin is a nice get in return.

William out West types, “Papa, I’ve been offered a trade in my league that rewards big plays, has yardage performances, and goes all the way to the end of the season. It’s a points league. Kyle Orton and Julius Jones for Frank Gore and Heath Evens. I am currently 4th in my league standings and the Top 4 teams get paid. It’s a big money league. Do I trade Frank, and his bum wheel, for a good back-up QB (my current back up is Vick) and running back help right now?”

William, no. Frank Gore might miss two more games. If he stays healthy after that, he’s a strong candidate to get 100 yard games multiple times, he’s the bell-cow in that offense, and Mike Singletary likes to feed him the rock. The last time he played he went for 200+ yards against the Hawks. His defense is very good and the offensive line is physical. Kyle Orton is solid, but the way the Steelers have been throwing the ball, I’d rather have Big Ben in almost every situation. Stick to your guns, ride out the rest of the way with Frank Gore, because in a league like this he has some great value. See if you can’t pick up a guy like Jerome Harrison off waivers, and just do your best to make it through the tough time that Gore is down. Think future, 2 games out now might be good for 10 games healthy in the future.

Desmond Parker says, “I know you are a fantasy guy, and the general football questions go to your nephew, but do you have a sure thing survivor pick for me this week? I can’t take the Ravens, Vikings, Packers, or Colts. Any help is good help as long as I stay in my pool…”

Desmond, funny you should ask, I like to call myself the survivor pool guru. A few years ago, when the Saints were playing well and St. Louis was winless, I took the Rams in the survivor pool as the single opponent I was going up against took the Saints. Well, the Rams were winless no more and I got paid. Now that’s balls. Luckily, this week you don’t need those kind of rocks, you have lots of good options. I’d rank them as follows. Giants @ home against Oakland, Philadelphia @ home against Tampa Bay, and Pittsburgh @ Detroit. I’d stay with the home teams, but if you really don’t like those two games, the Steelers should blow out their first opponent this season. Good luck Desmond, feel free to write in anytime – any football question is good enough for me!

NFL Fantasy Football Advice: Ask Papa Weimer Week 3

Posted on September 25, 2009 by Papa Weimer

I’m old. I’m tired. I’m grumpy. My ass hurts from sitting in this chair. Where can I get one of those soft little pillow doughnut things to sit on anyway? Note to family: get my ace a nice chair for Christmas or you’re not getting any inheritance. I’ve had questions screaming in this week, people wondering which guy to start, who to trade, who to target in trades. These are the questions and answers I picked out to share.

Dennis in and out of the US asks, “I have a couple guys that I think are overachieving, and I know there are some players out there underachieving. Of these four guys (Percy Harvin, Cadillac Williams, Cedric Benson, and Santonio Holmes) which ones would you try to trade, and are there any guys you’d try to grab while their value is down?

Red Red Ryan makes a pretty good point about Cedric Benson, but I think he’s still a solid guy to have on your squad, he and the three other guys you mention should all have solid years, but you’re right in assessing their value right now, it’s probably higher than it should be. I would probably try to move Benson, Harvin, and Williams and keep Holmes, if you can get some good value. I think Holmes might be a treat for fantasy owners that paid the price for his services this season. He’s getting tons of targets on a Steelers team that doesn’t run the ball well, and is going to throw a lot more this season. Plus, he’s a playmaker. But like I said, all four of these guys are solid, I just think Holmes holds onto his value all season long, while a couple of these guys will fall off. In a trade, I would try to acquire Matt Forte, Steve Slaton, Clinton Portis, Steve Smith (Carolina), Ryan Grant, Knowshon Moreno, and Daren McFadden. All of those guys have pretty low value considering their ability, and all look like they are going to gain some value this week. I think all of them will have pretty solid seasons. Forte and Slaton have begun the season with really tough match-ups. Portis has an easier schedule coming up. Steve Smith’s value is still suffering despite being heavily targeted early in the season. Ryan Grant will get more rushing attempts from here forward. Moreno is dynamic and will only get better as he gets used to the speed of the game. And McFadden is still a superior talent. If you can trade some guys flying high for a couple guys that haven’t impressed owners, I think it’s a good move.

David from Minnesota asks, “Would you trade LT away to get Ray Rice? How about Leon Washington and TJ Houshmanzadeh moving to get LT and Donald Driver or Percy Harvin? Thanks in advance!”

David, thanks for the questions. These must be different leagues as you’re trading away LT in one, and getting him in another. On the first half, Yeah, I think so. I think LT will be fine. But Ray Rice is solid too – tough call, but I’d probably go with LT if I had the choice. On the second question, It just depends what you think about the Hawks and their recent string of injuries to start the season. I personally think they’ll get healthy here very soon, and TJ Housh will be huge, especially in PPR leagues – so I would much rather have him than Driver or Harvin, even though he’s firmly behind them in rankings thus far. Leon looks like he’s getting at least 20 touches per game, which should lead to some big days. ON the other side, as much as I love LT, I’m not sure he’s going to be getting much more than 20 touches the rest of the way. The Jets have a stellar offensive line, better than the Chargers if you ask me. If I had to choose, between LT and Leon, I would go with LT, like I said – but I don’t think I’d give up Housh to do so – his value is still high on my board.

Pretty Patty in Seattle asks, “Weims, having trouble picking my starters this week. Who do you like this week between these guys. (Need to pick 3 to go with my other two starting receivers, colston and manningham) Thanks! (Steven Jackson, Darren Mcfadden, Leshon McCoy, Braylon Edwards, Johnny Knox, Nate Burleson) PPR league…

Pretty, McCoy would be a sure thing if, and only if, you’re sure Westbrook isn’t playing. He should get lots of carries against the Chiefs porous run defense, and if it’s a PPR league I’m sure he’ll get a handful of catches as well. Steven Jackson is one of the three no matter what. The Packers have been terrible against the run, and I’m sure Jackson will be a huge part of the Rams game plan as they try to trick the Packers out of a win. Bulger can only throw 10 yards accurately, which puts Jackson in his range most of the time. Plus, he’s just flat out the best player in this group, and you have to go with your horses. I think another guy would be Braylon Edwards. Surprisingly, the Ravens have been pretty terrible against the pass, as Brodie Croyle of all clowns, had a good outing against them in Week 1, and Rivers torched them to the tune of one billion yards in Week 2. The problem with the Ravens is they are so good against the run, and they’ll likely be up early, so the Browns will probably have to throw a lot. I usually don’t like Cleveland offensive players, but 7 catches and 100 yards from Edwards wouldn’t surprise me. If Westy is going to play, and from what I read, it looks like he will, I think I’d go with McFadden. Now this one is a little tricky because Denver has been great against the run this season, but then again, you have to look at who they’ve played. Cincinnati and Cleveland aren’t two rushing attacks that strike fear into my heart. So I’m not sure they’re as good as they are lucky to have been scheduled to pissy running attacks to start the season. The Raiders can really run, and McFadden should get the ball more this week. JaMarcus Russell has been a joke (he’s barely batting .350 through the air, gross) so Denver could stack up against the run – but I still think they don’t have elite front 7 power, and McFadden should have his best yardage output of the season. If you don’t want to go with McFadden, take a chance on Nate or Knox. Nate’s been getting targeted lots of times, and obviously a dynamic touchdown threat, he could get to the house against a Bears secondary that doesn’t really have the speed to cover elite WRs. Nate might not be elite, but his speed and touchdown play potential is definitely amongst the games best. Knox is looking like one of Cutler’s favorite targets, and the Hawks secondary isn’t an exciting shut down group at the moment. I just think the Bears will run a lot more this week against a D-front that doesn’t look powerful after Frank Gore had his way with them. So I’d side with Nate, but just barely. Hope that helps, Patty. Good luck!

Ask Papa Weimer: Week 2

Posted on September 17, 2009 by Papa Weimer

I’m back with my big belly, my bigger brain, and my even bigger… umm…. feet. My feet are huge for being a relatively short guy, size 12.5, that’s pretty big. What I hate more than anything is trying to jam into a 12 or flopping around like a clown in a 13. Plus, only a few shoes have 12.5 – regardless, I’ve found another thing to be angry about, and I’m going to talk about it now. Deciding to go receiver happy in one of my drafts has gotten me no where, and it’s not because my running backs have disappointed. I snagged Andre Johnson, Calvin Johnson, Anquan Boldin, Eddie Royal, and Anthony Gonzalez and look where that’s gotten me – no wins, one loss, damn! Lucky tries to tell me to hold tight, relax, you’ll be fine, but I can’t help but hate the fact that I got expensive receivers when I would have been happy as can be with guys like Hines Ward, Nate Burleson, Wes Welker, and Devin Hester… Okay, damn, I’m sick of complaining – damn receivers! lets answer some questions…

Cozmo in San Antonio asks, “Should I sell Adrian Peterson now or wait until Detroit? I have some holes at receiver and I’m pretty sure I could get Andre Johnson, Chris Johnson, and Eddie Royal for AP all by himself. What should I do? Can I really live with myself trading AP?”

Honestly, I would probably make that trade, but I’m a value whore, and certainly think all three of those guys will have solid seasons. All three have very low value after week 1 (because of their low output to start the year), and right now nobody’s value is higher than APs. However, it probably depends on the rest of your roster. There’s no point to upgrade a little and end up dropping solid guys in the process. If you have decent receivers, you might want to stand pat with AP, he looks like a 2000 yard back, and there’s no doubt that kind of production will keep you in games. But if you do have a hole, like you say, AJ and CJ and a guy like Royal looks pretty good. As always, see if you can get more somewhere else. I’m not sure you could get too much more than that, but shoot, it doesn’t hurt to try. AP might have even more value after running into Detroit this next week, but then again, I’m not sure he could have more value than 180 yards and 3 scores…

Dennis in Alaska says, “Last week you told me I should start Eddie Royal over Hines Ward, what gives?”

That being said, I also told you to start Julius Jones over Chris Johnson, which would have made up for that Royal over Ward advice. I still think Royal will have a huge year, and would probably start him over Ward again, despite their Week 1 totals. You can’t get angry at the single piece of poor advice that I give you when I feed you good stuff until you’re belly limits the vision when you pee. You have to understand, this is sport, these guys can surprise even the best fantasy minds – but I’m guessing you didn’t start Julius over Chris, or you probably wouldn’t have written in with frustration.

Dennis in Alaska replies, “Touche. I listened to the bad advice and left the good advice on my bench. It would have been about even had I listened to both. Well played. Thanks for the free advice. On that note, do you start Chris, Julius, Thomas Jones, or Tim Hightower this week? I need two.

No problem, my man, just doing work. I would start Chris against Houston, he should blow them up. I would leave Julius on the bench this week, the Niners are tough against the run, and he won’t catch too many balls out of the backfield. I would probably go with Thomas against the Patriots. I don’t think the Pats will be great against the run with Seymour in Oakland, and Mayo on the bench. TJ should get plenty of carries this weekend. Tim put up good numbers, but I bet he never catches that many passes again, plus Beanie looked like the better runner, and I imagine he’ll take carries away from Tim a little this week against a mediocre Jags defensive front. I still think Hightower is a solid play, I just like Jones more. Good luck, hopefully I get them both right this week!

Do I trade Aaron Rodgers and Derrick Ward for Kurt Warner and Anquan Boldin. Ward is my #4 running back behind Maurice Jones Drew, Kevin Smith, and Clinton Portis and ahead of Jamal Lewis. Boldin would be my highest ranked receiver in front of Houshmandzadeh, DeSean Jackson, Eddie Royal, and Anthony Gonzalez. Deal or no deal?

Deal. I think Boldin will be a beast starting in probably Week 3, he might be a so-so play while healing from his hammy injury – however, it could also linger. I think it’s a good low risk play by you because when healthy Boldin is a Top 10 guy easily, and it’s not like Warner is a much lower play than Rodgers. You get some big upside while losing a time share running back and for this season probably lose nothing at quarterback. Kurt played poorly in Week 1, but I doubt that continues as long as he stays on the field. It’s not like Aaron Rogers has been the beacon of health in his career either. Take a chance, good upside for you there.

I’m out of here to write some receiver hate mail to all those fantasy guys that advised me to go WR late in the first round…. blast them!!!

Fantasy Q and A: Ask Papa Weimer Week 1

Posted on September 9, 2009 by Papa Weimer

I’m really back now, and my fantasy football help is better than ever. I got my eyes lazered this last weekend and I can see clearly now that I need to get the hell out of this state. It’s been nice, but hell, it’s about to get rainy, and that’s when these old crooked football battered bones start to ache. Somebody win big money off my fantasy advice and send my tattered behind to Thailand so I can swim with the fishies, ride a whale shark, eat curry every day until I die, and just live it up in some nice warm sweaty weather. The dream. The reality? Here I am, going nowhere, and I might as well pretend to enjoy it. Here’s some questions (and answers) from the last 5 days…

Jordan Hardin from L.A. says, “I managed to get Frank Gore, Steve Slaton, Ronnie Brown, and one Adrian Peterson (yes the Viking) on one team. The problem is I can only start two. With AP, which of the other three studs to I start? PPR league…”

Doesn’t it suck when you draft like a super star and end up with too many good players and you never get them right on Sundays? I sure do, happens to me now and again, but I have a strategy. I start the guy that means the most to his offense or the guy that has the best match-up. If you have both of those things at once you’ve hit a one roll yahtzee and it’s time to celebrate good freaking times. I don’t think you’re quite at yahtzee level here, maybe a nice three of a kind, but you still have some hints. Frank Gore is going to get more carries than either of the other guys, but the Cardinals have a pretty solid run defense. That’s 1 out of 2. Steve Slaton gets to smash heads up against the Jets defensive front, a unit that should only be better than last year. But he also has a chance to catch more than a handful of passes against a pass defense that wasn’t rated real high in 2008. But I think Ronnie Brown is your best option. That Falcon defense is overrated, and they’re not rated real high. I’m pretty high on Ronnie (read # 16) and he’s got a great match-up, and he’s as healthy as he’s been in quite some time. Ronnie and AP, with two 1st round picks on your bench – crazy.

Dos Mexicans ask, “We’ve come across a pre-season trade offer that loses us Matt Forte, but we think makes our team better. We are currently starting Anquan Boldin, Donnie Avery, and Chad Johnson at our 3 WR spots, and Forte and Darren McFadden at our two RB spots (we also have Tom Brady and Jason Witten at QB and TE). Here’s the proposal… We give up Matt Forte and our 3rd QB Matthew Stafford for Steve Slaton and Eddie Royal. We lose our top pick, but Slaton is no small party favor. We have to do that right?

Yes sirs…. I feel like stopping right there, but let me dig in a little tiny bit – as a general rule I like to respond with a bigger amount of total words than my readers’ questions, thus I have some work to do. While Boldin, Ocho, and Avery might not be a bitter bunch of WRs, adding Eddie Royal, a likely 100 catch guy, to the list and allowing Avery to show you that he’s worth starting, is probably the best thing for your team. Especially because you get Steve Slaton, who to be completely honest, isn’t that much lower on my rankings than Forte. Shoot, my nephew only has him 3 spots lower than Forte. Do it guys!

Timothee Woodland wonders out loud, “I’m in a survivor pool, what am I looking at? I’ve never done this before and while I think I’m pretty good at picking games straight up, a few hints you go by would be too kind.”

I must admit, I’m a bit of a survivor guru. I win most of my small leagues with my buddies every year, so far as they’ve started to call me the crystal ball (*side note from Lucky Lester* -We call him Crystal Ball because his big fat bald head looks like a gigantic crystal ball, not because of his luck in survivor, which is a whole other story, that lucky old man). So, what I’m saying, while apparently tooting my own horn, is that you’ve come to the right place. This is what I do. First, don’t pick a road team unless you have no idea which home team to pick. So first thing, take half the teams, and throw them out. Next, don’t take a team on a rare winning streak (4 games or more, playing out of their mind) – why not ride them when they’re hot? Because those things always (or almost always) come crashing down. 3rd, jump at the chance to use injuries to your advantage. Face it, at some point during the season, a couple big name, big time players are going to be out. If the Dolphins get the Patriots without Tom Brady and Randy Moss, be happy to pick the upset. Last piece of advice, don’t agree to a half and half truce with your buddy when you’re in the finals, especially if he’s the one that asks you. If you accept, he’ll always say that he won money and shared it with you, because, well, it was his idea. Ties suck. Win big or go home trying!

Free Fantasy Football Picks: Papas Predictions

Posted on September 1, 2009 by Papa Weimer

My Nephew has me back giving some fantasy advice, he was nice enough to pay me nothing to work for another year, what a guy. But hey, I have fun doing it right? Shit, I only have to wear two pairs of glasses to see the damn screen, make 100 errors while hunting and pecking my way into oblivion, all the while trying not to listen to this voice in my head that keeps telling me to pick Barry Sanders in my upcoming draft – (I still do that with my last pick, what can I say, I’m hopeful for a comeback). So these are my predictions, I hope that’s not too quick of a transition for you, if it is just deal with it I guess. I’m old, but I’ve probably been playing fantasy football since you were an idea that your parents couldn’t even fathom – you know, when they still wore condoms and took birth control. So, I’ve been around for a while, won lots of fantasy championships, and learned from my mistakes as well. What has that taught me? That these predictions are more likely to be true than my nephews. That’s what. Why? Because I’ve only been wrong once, and that was when I thought I was wrong and was actually right. Here goes…

1. Matt Hasselbeck will be a Top 7 quarterback in 2009.

2. Either Chester Taylor or Jerious Norwood will be a Top 20 fantasy back this season. Choose wisely.

3. Matt Schaub will not play more than 12 games, but that’s okay, he’ll still throw 20 touchdowns.

4. The J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets will be a Top 5 fantasy defense.

5. Tom Brady will be the #1 fantasy quarterback.

6. Donovan McNabb will be Top 5.

7. Who will round out my QB top 7? Drew Brees and Philip Rivers and Tony Romo will be in there too. That leaves one spot left over, gotta have a flier in there somewhere – but I’m not going to predict that, 6 out of 7 ain’t bad.

8. The highest paid QB in the NFL finishes out of the Top 20 in fantasy QB rankings.

9. Even though I’ve had poops bigger than Darren Sproles and Leon Washington, both will finish amongst the Top 30 running backs in PPR leagues.

10. Thomas Jones won’t, Jamal Lewis won’t, Jonathan Stewart won’t either.

11. Knowshon Moreno will have at least five 100-yard games this season.

12. That will be more than Marion Barber.

13. This year’s DeAngelo Williams (surprise, out of nowhere back that is seemingly left for dead because of a high draft pick or “new” back taking his place? That would be Joseph Addai. He won’t be the #1 fantasy back like Williams was last year, but he’s getting drafted around 20 in most of my leagues, he’ll be a Top 10 guy.

14. Marshawn Lynch will be a Top 10 guy from Week 4 until Week 16 – do those week’s matter to anybody?

15. Not much of a stunner, but Adrian Peterson will lead the league in rushing yards, by a lot.

16. I’d rather have Ronnie Brown than Chris Johnson. Why? Ready… He’s going to have more fantasy points. But I like both guys.

17. Kevin Smith will be a top 10 fantasy running back.

18. Randy Moss will score more fantasy points that Larry Fitzgerald and Calvin Johnson.

19. T.J. Houshmandzadeh will catch more passes than anybody in the NFL.

20. Chad Johnson will show everybody that last year was a fluke, and that he’s still very inconsistent, but will be a Top 10 WR in the fantasy world.

21. If Terrell Owens is healthy for all 16 games, he will be a Top 5 fantasy receiver. I will guarantee he’s a top 10 guy regardless.

22. Anthony Gonzalez will have more fantasy points than Roy Williams.

23. Lance Moore will have at least 70 catches for 900 yards and 8 touchdowns. That might not be last years’ totals, but that’s still pretty damn good considering where you draft the guy.

24. John Carlson will be a Top 6 Tight End.

25. Joseph Addai > Darren McFadden > Pierre Thomas… That would be opposite of their draft rankings.

26. Felix Jones scores more fantasy points than Ray Rice.

27. Donnie Avery scores more fantasy points than Donald Driver.

28. The highest scoring rookie receiver this season? Hakeem Nicks.

29. Brandon Jacobs will score more fantasy points, in non PPR leagues, than any other RB in the NFL not named Adrian Peterson. He’s number one, or maybe number two….

30. In the games that Reggie Bush plays in (I’m guessing 12-14) he’ll be a Top 10 PPR RB. So he has GREAT draft value right now. *Currently ranked 31 by Espin the Magazine.

Done and Done. It only took my a million hunts and pecks to find the right keys to right this damn thing, and if you count my hourly wage, I’m going to have to win the lottery to get out of the red… blast. But at least I’ll get to rub it in when these are all right.

Ask Papa Weimer: Pre-Season #2

Posted on August 21, 2009 by luckylester

I’m back. More questions, seemingly better answers than before. This week we tackle auction drafts, the 1st Round wide receiver situation, and the “lack” of running backs – and even Brett Favre. It’s late and my knees are acting up, I’ll try my best not to take it out on the question askers. But that doesn’t mean all that BS about no question being a stupid question is true – there are tons of stupid questions – try me next week.

Graham “Big Worm” from Lower Columbia, WA asks, “What is your take on Brett Favre. The guy gets more coverage than an Anna Kournikova sex tape, which quite honestly chaps my ass, but if he can play he should play, right?” From a fantasy perspective should I dump Trent Edwards, my current back-up, and snatch up the old man?

You got it right on the button Big Worm. The way I see it is pretty simple. Brett Favre threw around retirement like he throws underhand backwards pitches to running backs. He wasn’t quite sure, but didn’t want the Packers relying on him being around so he called it quits, thinking that if he wanted to come back they would obviously welcome him with open arms. The trick was on him. The Packers decided to go with Aaron Rodgers (good move, because the youngster is legit) and did all they could to convince Favre to stay retired, even going as far as offering him money to do nothing. I’m not positive, but I bet that pissed Ol’ Brett off something fierce and it probably made him want to play even more. But the Packers didn’t want to face Brett, and trading him within their own division to help an opponent out made absolutely no sense to them. But Brett’s a competitor, so surely, right off the bat, he wanted to play against his former team and jam it right up their backside. Since he couldn’t, he toughed out a year in Jet-land, gave it all he had, ups and downs, just missed the playoffs, and thus retired again. Giving him exactly what he wanted, the Jets released his rights. That gave Favre the freedom to play wherever he wanted. Brett’s not the first guy to run right back to his old division and sign up with a rival. When let go, lots of guys take it personally, and some have even been known to give up some money for a couple chances a year at their old team. I think that’s freaking awesome. So now he’s in Minnesota and he’s going to give it his all to try and make the Vikings a championship level team. Will he? I’m not sure either way, but I’ll be watching, that’s for damn sure. Now a bunch of people are pissed that he retired and came back and retired and came back, but those people are stupid. Some people think it’s terrible that he went to the Packers’ rival. But it’s that same competitive spirit that made him as great a player as he is. So those people aren’t thinking past go either. Basically, I like it. If he wants to play, can play, and can get someone to pay him to do so, by all means, play until your shriveled up my man!!! As for all the coverage. Blah. I’m sick of it, and my TV is out. I can only imagine how you feel. Fantasy-wise, of course he’s going to have some value. That team is pretty stacked. Peterson is obviously a beast. Berrian has elite speed and Brett can get him the ball. Percy Harvin is dynamite. Even Shiancoe is a solid TE. That line will keep Brett standing. So all things look good except all those rushing attempts should keep him from big yardage. But he’ll still a decent back-up. However, I’d stick with Edwards. I know you don’t have much time, but Edwards is in that new hurry up, with lots of passing, two very good receivers, and some running backs that are solid catching out of the back-field. He’s very accurate, and you never know, this could be a big breakout year for him. But it’s close to a wash, so if you’re feeling one way, go with your gut. I have to listen to my gut, the thing is enormous.

Paul the Perv writes, “I’m in an auction draft and I was wondering if there’s any plan of attack that you try in these kind of drafts? I’m brand new to them and I’m not sure if nominating a guy gives me a better or worse chance in getting him on my team. Any ideas?”

Why are all Paul’s pervs? Hopefully your last name is Pervis or something like that, or maybe you’re just cleverly named as a common man. Regardless, I have answers to your dilemma. I’ve found all auction drafts to be a little different, and have become a big fan of them over the last few years. What I’ve found works best is nominating high-hype guys early in the draft. Guys that you think are a little overrated and currently getting loved on by the public. Now usually what this will do is get your league-mates to overpay for these overvalued players, leaving you with good money to get good value. That’s always my goal. Now sometimes I do this and as it turns out, everyone believes me that a guy is overrated and I end up bidding on the guy because his new value is much better. I almost never cross a guy off my list, everyone has value, but my goal is to make people overpay so I can underpay. Guys like Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, Drew Brees, and Larry Fitzgerald are all guys I’d love to have, but they are all getting overvalued. (Even my nephew ranks Forte #2, which I think is too high) So if it was up to me, I’d call their names early if I got the chance, and see if I can’t get people overpaying for services. Hope that helps Perv!

Too Tall Tom from Onalaska asks, “I know you’re a big running back guy in the first couple rounds, but every year is different, is it okay for me to go WR in the first couple rounds this year?”

Sure man, in fact, I think going WR as early as 6th overall isn’t too ridiculous this season. Once you get out of that top tier of running backs, there’s a lot of equality there. And while I don’t buy this whole “the receiver cupboard is bare” BS that seems to be milling around draft rooms, I do think that there is a quick drop-off from elite to good to worth a shot. There are seemingly hundreds of receivers worth a shot. There’s a lot of guys I’d consider good options. But there’s very few ELITE #1s out there. Not enough for everyone to have a couple, that’s for sure. With RBs, there’s a lot of guys that I would be fine starting, and I’m talking about guys you can get in rounds 3-8. So, I’ve had some drafts in which I went WR early, the earliest being the 6th. I had Steve Slaton as my next best RB available, but he wasn’t too far ahead of a lot of the solid backs left, so I went with Larry Fitz and his elite consistency and overall numbers. On the way back (it was a 10 team league, which are the ideal type of leagues to go WR early) I still got Steve Slaton. With my 3rd pick I grabbed Steve Smith, and with my 4th pick I went with Kevin Smith, another guy we like here within the fantasy staff. So I got two number 1 receivers, and two young running backs that had solid years and possess lots of upside. If I went RB with my first two picks, I wouldn’t be much better in my backfield, but I would be worse at WR. That’s the kind of thing you have to think about during the draft, where’s the value? Sure, I went WR a lot earlier than usual. But I got the guy I think is the best player at that position – at a position with fewer elite players. So yes, in short, sometimes it’s good to be different.

Noah, from “just outside the ark” thinks out loud, “All the things I read are saying that WR is shallow this year and RBs are deep, do you actually believe this?”

No, and yes. I don’t believe that either position is actually shallow, but in a way, both are kind of shallow in the “elite” category. In years’ past there are lots of guys getting 80% of their team’s carries, at least. This year, there are fewer of those type running backs. Fewer proven carry-horses. So that makes getting one of those main guys a bonus, if you can. At WR you have the same type of thing, lots of guys with lots of upside, but not so many guys that can get drafted without at lest a little question mark by their production. Now nothing is guaranteed. Vince Young could get pouty in Week 1, feel bad that people are booing him, and never start another game the rest of the year. But those crazy things being written off as just crazy, I think you can find great options all over the draft at any of these positions. Would I rather have Roddy White, Larry Fitz, and Andre Johnson than Dominik Hixon, Anthony Gonzalez, and Nate Burelson? You bet. But should all 6 guys be owned? Definitely. Could all 6 be starter worthy during the year? You bet. I actually think, that with all the “sharing is caring” going around the NFL, having specialty players do certain things, carry in certain situations, and having 3 and 4 WRs, this is actually one of the “deepest” seasons in fantasy football that I’ve ever researched and took part in. There are so many players at all the positions, even TE has a grip of valuable guys. I got Tim Hightower and Julius Jones as 4th and 5th running backs, in rounds 11 and 12, for a league I’m in. That’s two starters. Hightower is young and scores touchdowns, and even though Beanie Wells is there, he’s still starting. And Julius Jones is in a scheme that should use his running ability well, and he’s done well when getting 20 carries a game. So while they are not starters in terms of top fantasy backs, they are still two actual NFL starters that could produce for me this season. Don’t believe the hype, shallow and deep are very arbitrary, especially this year.

Ask Papa Weimer: 2009 #1

Posted on August 3, 2009 by Papa Weimer

Hey there, I’m back and at it again. If you know me, you can dig it – I’m an old SOB with a little bit of love for making a mockery of the game while giving help to the fantasy junkies out there. Once again I’ll be writing “Ask Papa Weimer” segments throughout the season based solely on your questions and comments during the year. Now, more than ever, is a busy fantasy time, and there’s lots of questions already coming in more than a month before the season starts. If you feel the urge, want a question asked, or feel like attempting to make a fool out of me anytime from now until the end of the season, do so by mailing your words to papaweimer50@hotmail.com – you ask I’ll answer, as easy as that. My good man David e-mailed me a bunch of questions, so I figured I’d have a nice “Owed to David” Q&A period. Here’s me doing work…

#1 – “I saw Lucky Lester’s article on the QBs: very interesting. If you had to get a good QB would you go after one of your first and 2nd tier guys, or would you wait? Last year you told me about Cutler, and he was great even with the interceptions. It seems you are high on Schaub. If I go after him as my #1 who should I get as a backup?”

If I had to get a top QB (First two tiers), I might shoot for Aaron Rodgers. That guy is legit and his offensive weapons are a plenty. Plus he plays the Lions and Vikings 4 times, and even the Bears aren’t awesome at stopping the air attack. Playing in GB late in the season didnt’ seem to bother him last year. But honestly, unless the value was right, I’d probably wait. I’ve never been a guy to grab a QB early. If I wasn’t going for a top tier guy, I think Matt Schaub and David Garard should both have big seasons, Matt Ryan and Matt Hasselbeck are both high upside guys for where you can get them, even though Ryan is riding some hype – he doesn’t seem to be going too high. I wouldn’t overspend for him, but he could have a huge year. Remember, they’re still going to hand the ball off around 500 times, tough to pile up 300+ yard games with that being the case, but lots of weapons and lots of talent. If you’re going super sleepers, Sage Rosenfels, Jason Campbell, Daunte Culpepper, and Jake Delhomme could be steals. I think Jake will be better this year, a couple seasons after surgery, Daunte couldn’t have lost all his talent and they have a couple good offensive players to help him (CJ and Kevin Smith), Campbell will be better this year (that’s just a fact, kid has enough skills and now has a year in that offense unde his belt), and Sage (if he gets the job) has BB, Percy Harvin, Chester Taylor, and this little guy named Adrian Peterson to help him produce some offense. With all the focus of oposing defenses keying in on the run-game, Sage could put up some nice numbers.

#2 “I am in 2 leagues. One is a PPR and the other is traditional scoring. If you had to list 6 RBs and WRs that were a must have. Who would they be in each of the different formats. Also do you have any RBs or WRs that would be good values flying under the radar?”

6WRs – Must Have:
Andre Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Calvin Johnson, Steve Smith, Greg Jennings, and Roddy White (but he might be overvalued, and I like those top 5 more I think. I say this because there are so many weapons in Atlanta now, and with so many carries for Turner and Norwood, I think it might be tough for White to get as many looks as last season, but the kid is the real deal) – but for a couple must have lower level guys – Vincent Jackson, Dominek Hixon, Anthony Gonzalez – all three aren’t valued very high, and all three have a great chance to put up great numbers. Calvin Johnson, Steve Smith, Greg Jennings lose a little ground in PPR where Eddie Royal, Wes Welker, Dwayne Bowe move up a little. Reggie Wayne too. A super sleeper couple would go to Hines Ward (still nobody loves that guy, but so consistent) and even more sleepy, Josh Morgan, and even sleepier – Mike Thomas (but he might be too sleepy to draft, as he’s just a 4th round rookie, just keep your eye on him in jacksonville). Mike Walker might be a safer sleeper in Jax, very talented young player that has battled injuries much of his pro career – but next to Torry Holt he could be very sneaky good.

6RBs- Must Have:
Maurice Jones Drew, Adrian Peterson, Matt Forte, Chris Johnson, Michael Turner, Steve Slaton – I love LT’s value this year though, he might go in late round 1, or round 2, and he could be had at a good price in auctions – but I think he’ll be good, despite turning 30. Steve Slaton and Jones Drew could have huge years as key backs in their offenses, both teams will be improved this season. Slaton, Drew, and Forte all get raised value in PPR while AP and Turner lose some umph, but should be Top 5-6 picks anyway. Sleepers would go McFadden, Jonathan Stewart and Rashard Mendenhall – all 1st rounders last year, weird. I’ll throw Derrik Ward and Felix Jones into that list too, neither seem to be getting their due love. A couple rookies I like this year, (aside from Knowshon and Beanie of course) – LeSean McCoy and Donald Brown – solid runners, and Brown does everything well. A deeeeeeep sleeper, Justin Forsett in Seattle, real talented small back, so very different than Jones and Ducket, and from what I remember that new Seattle head guy knows how to use little talented backs to compile yardage.

#3 “How would you rank the following TEs Olson, Z Miller, Carlson, D Keller, Cooley, Celek, Daniels?”

Cooley, Miller, Daniels, Olson, Carlson, Keller, and Celek…. Cooley is my favorite, but the next four guys are in a basic tie for 2nd. I wouldn’t waste a top pick on a top TE (Gonzo, Witten, Gates, Cooley – though Cooley is cheaper always) because those four guys (Miller, Daniels, Olson, and Carlson) are pretty damn consistent for their cheap draft slot.

#4 “Any defenses jump out at you this season?”

I like what the Bears did late last season, and Tommie Harris looks healthy – that guy is an absolute beast when healthy, a true game changer at DT. The Chargers should be better, too – and of course the Ravens are always legit. The Titans will keep doing work, but they lost some power up front. But don’t spend much on defenses, none look brilliant to me ala the old Bears or Ravens, and overspending on Ds can kill you.

#5 “I would like to hear your thoughts on LT, S Slaton, Grant, Ronnie and Donald Brown, Beanie, McFadden, Barber, J Stewart, and Portis?”

Above I said that I love LT and Slaton this year, Ryan Grant and Ronnie Brown should be good values too. Ryan even more than Ronnie, more touchdowns and yards for Grant this year, almost a guarantee. Beanie is always an injury risk because he is a big guy that runs really fast, seems to spell trouble, but what an opportunity for him to shine in Arizona – he’s a much better option than 2.8 a game Tim Hightower. McFadden is a good sleeper as is The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart, Stewart might just be the highest scoring fantasy back in Carolina this year, and considering how much later you can get him than DeAngelo, he could be a steal. I’m afraid about Portis, even though he’s still young, 27 going on 35 you know… But he seems to be slipping in drafts, so could be a good bargain. Marion Barber, a guy I love as a player as much as anyone in the league, but I’m not sure how many touches he’ll get. Still, with TO out that makes room for 140 or so targets, which should keep Barber in the action, and he’s a very good receiver too – maybe more catches for him this year – more touchdowns this time around for sure. Still, there’s 3 good backs in Dallas – but Barber should be top 10 in production amongst RBs.

#6 “I do appreciate the tiers. They help a lot! Don’t let Lucky leave out Andre this year though… Haha.”

That youngster won’t get away with that this year – you’d think he was the old, saggy, frump-housed old man. Andre’s going to be right at the top if Lucky knows what’s best for him. Good luck to ya David!

My Prediction Early Returns

Posted on October 3, 2008 by Papa Weimer

Okay, since my nephew blasted a few of my predictions, I just wanted to get some things straight. There’s still a long season ahead of us here, but after 4 measily weeks I think I have some good things going – I’ve rated all 50 predictions on a 1 to 10 scale, 1 being no chance of my prediction coming true, and 10 being a very good chance that it’s going to happen. Here goes nothing. I’ll do the first half of my prediction rundown this week, and the other half next week (if I’m not too old to remember).

Vince Young – Top 5 fantasy quarterback in leagues that award only 4 points for throwing touchdowns.(1 It’s not looking good)

LenDale – more fantasy points than Chris Johnson in every format, except maybe PPR – that will be a close race. (4 LenDale is down 55-44 as of Week 4, and this Johnson kid looks good, but there’s still injuries and vultured touchdowns to come, I have a chance in non-ppr leagues)

Earnest Graham won’t get 20+ carries in more than 3 games this season – and that bites into his value. (9 Four games and hasn’t exceeded 20 carries yet, getting just 10, 15, and 12 in week’s 1-3)

Deion Branch – best fantasy receiver in Seattle (total points). (8 Branch comes back this week and he’s chasing Nate Burleson’s Week 1 total of 5 catches for 60 yards and a touchdown – I think he’s got a great chance to make me look smart)

LeSean McCoy will be a better professional running back than Beanie Wells – and he will be something (draft him in leagues where that’s a part of it). (I still like this one, but can’t really rate it yet)

Willis McGahee – 1200+ rushing yards for the Ravens. (3 Has 100 less rushing yards than the guy who started the season #3 on the depth chart, it’s not looking good, but this could turn around in a hurry)

Edgerrin James will break the 1000-yard mark once again.

My nephew thinks Calvin Johnson will be a Top 15 WR – he’ll be a Top 5 WR – my nephew will edit this article and I thank him for that. (10 Calvin is 5th right now even though he’s only played 3 games because of the teams’ Week 4 bye – I like my chances)

Matt Ryan – much better fantasy quarterback than Joe Flacco this season – but neither will bust the Top 20. (7 I still think Ryan is the guy, but Flacco is better than I thought, he’ll be in the Top 25)

Chad Pennington will bust the Top 20, and throw at least 20 touchdowns if he plays more than 12 games. (4 He’s in the Top 20, yeah, but he has just 2 touchdowns thus far – the dual prediction is looking less likely than I’d hoped)

Jerchio Cotchery – easily outscore Coles in New York. (8 Even after Coles crabbed 8 balls for 105 yards and 3 touchdowns in Week 4, Cotchery is still just 3 points back – I still think Jericho ends the season with 40 more fantasy points than Coles)

Selvin Young – the leading rusher in the NFL headed into Week 7. (1 – nope – Splinter doesn’t give him the rock at all – too bad, sorry about this one)

Kurt Warner will get hurt in the first four weeks, allowing Matt Leinart to take the starting job back and keep it for the duration of the season – the entitled little bastard. (1 – nope, Kurt’s still in, and despite 6 turnovers last week, still the guy giving the Cards the best chance to win)

DeAngelo Williams gets 66% of the carries in Carolina and rush for 1000+ yards for the first time in his career. (4 Jon Stewart has 45 carries for 197 yards thus far, DeAngelo has 55 carries for 201 yards – looks like a 50-50, and Williams is only on pace for 800 yards this season, it could still happen though, all is not lost)

Dustin Keller – Top 10 fantasy tight end by seasons end. (9 Keller is 11th thus far and he has just 12 targets thus far – he’s a shoe in)

So will Greg Olsen. (7 he’s 27th, but just a touchdown and 30 yards back of a Top 10)

Nate Burleson – scores double digit touchdowns in Seattle again. (1 out for the year after one nice week)

Steve Slaton will lead the Texans backfield, and will approach 80 receptions. (10 who else told you this? Slaton is 16th overall, the sure fire #1 in Houston, and he has 15 receptions in 16 targets in three games – that’s on pace for 80 receptions and he’s becoming more involved in the passing game. Yhatzee!)

Marion Barber – best running back this season in fantasy land. (9 he’s #3 so far, and he only got 7 carries last week, I still think he’s #1, but I need to give some other guys a little credit – we’ll see – Turner’s had some good games too)

Brain Westbrook won’t play more than 11 games – as much as I love the guy. (7 who knows, I hope I’m wrong, but Westy is already down a game, and he might miss #2 this weekend, we’ll see)

Chris Perry – top 15 fantasy running back. (3 Fumble problems and an extremely tough run game schedule has me really worried about this pick – he needs to hold onto the ball long enough to get into the easier part of his schedule and then maybe I’ll get close)

Frank Gore – top 5 fantasy back. (10 He’s #2 thus far, even in non-ppr leagues – got this one wrapped if he stays relatively healthy – knock, knock)

Randy Moss – catches less than 15 touchdowns, but still has a great season – more catches this year. (10,6,1 – kind of three predictions here, it looks like its safe to expect he won’t get 15 touchdowns, I still think he’ll be a good receiving option in the Top 10, but I don’t think that, without Brady, he catches more balls this season)

Chad Johnson figures out that the Bengals don’t have a chance by Week 6 – that’s when he opts for season ending surgery – he gets traded in 2009. (8 I like my chances, 0-4 thus far, Palmer on the mend, not a good game for Chad in the books yet)

The SeaChickens don’t win the NFC West this year. (6 1-2, behind San Francisco and Arizona, but just one game back and getting healthier – I still like the Cardinals to take this division)

Neither do the freaking Niners. (6 2-2 thus far, but I like the Cardinals better)

Alright, there’s half of the predictions, some good – some bad – such is the way it goes. I’ll run the rest next week. Good luck in your Week 5 ventures!

Papa's Predictions

Posted on September 3, 2008 by Papa Weimer

So what, I’m old and these damn computer things seem to get the best of me at every turn. I need glasses to watch the game, and sometimes I yell “fumble” while sitting all by myself on my big ass chair in my big ass living room on my big ass. Oh, and sometimes there was no fumble at all – forgot to mention that. In fact, I seem to forget from time to time as well. Screw it, all that jazz doesn’t even matter because when it comes to football I surely know my game. I’ve said some things that have been wrong, but that only accounts for 3 instances in my football existence. So, when asked to do my predictions I figured, what the hell. Sure, the nephew might be able to actually keep tabs on the things I predict now, but that just gives me one more chance to prove my football knowledge dominance in this family tree. Let the predictions begin with glory and rapture!!!

Vince Young – Top 5 fantasy quarterback in leagues that award only 4 points for throwing touchdowns.
LenDale – more fantasy points than Chris Johnson in every format, except maybe PPR – that will be a close race.
Earnest Graham won’t get 20+ carries in more than 3 games this season – and that bites into his value.
Deion Branch – best fantasy receiver in Seattle (total points).
LeSean McCoy will be a better professional running back than Beanie Wells – and he will be something (draft him in leagues where that’s a part of it).
Willis McGahee – 1200+ rushing yards for the Ravens.
Edgerrin James will break the 1000-yard mark once again.
My nephew thinks Calvin Johnson will be a Top 15 WR – he’ll be a Top 5 WR – my nephew will edit this article and I thank him for that.
Matt Ryan – much better fantasy quarterback than Joe Flacco this season – but neither will bust the Top 20.
Chad Pennington will bust the Top 20, and throw at least 20 touchdowns if he plays more than 12 games.
Jerchio Cotchery – easily outscore Coles in New York.
Selvin Young – the leading rusher in the NFL headed into Week 7.
Kurt Warner will get hurt in the first four weeks, allowing Matt Leinart to take the starting job back and keep it for the duration of the season – the entitled little bastard.
DeAngelo Williams gets 66% of the carries in Carolina and rush for 1000+ yards for the first time in his career.
Dustin Keller – Top 10 fantasy tight end by seasons end.
So will Greg Olsen.
Nate Burleson – scores double digit touchdowns in Seattle again.
Steve Slaton will lead the Texans backfield, and will approach 80 receptions.
Marion Barber – best running back this season in fantasy land.
Brain Westbrook won’t play more than 11 games – as much as I love the guy.
Chris Perry – top 15 fantasy running back.
Frank Gore – top 5 fantasy back.
Randy Moss – catches less than 15 touchdowns, but still has a great season – more catches this year.
Chad Johnson figures out that the Bengals don’t have a chance by Week 6 – that’s when he opts for season ending surgery – he gets traded in 2009.
The SeaChickens don’t win the NFC West this year.
Neither do the freaking Niners.
LT scores in each of his first four games to start the season.
Adrian Peterson won’t break the Top 5 running back list in 2008.
Willie Parker revisits his 2006 form and finishes the year with 1300+ yards and 9 touchdowns or more. (nephew thinks this is crazy old man speak)
Plaxico Burress – his best statistical season, don’t believe my nephew’s bad ju-ju.
Steve Smith – will be the #2 in New York and catch 65 balls at least.
Steve Smith – Carolina’s best weapon puts up 12 touchdowns and finishes in the Top 5 amongst per-game fantasy receiver.
Brandon Marshall – does work in Denver, grabbing 100+ balls in 15 games.
Rookie receiver James Hardy will lead all rookie receivers in touchdowns.
Tony Scheffler – Top 5 TE.
The Ravens will lose at least 12 games.
Santana Moss – ready? – 1300+ yards, 9+ touchdowns, 80+ grabs – believe it.
Ronald Curry finally meets my nephew’s expectations now that he hasn’t said anything about him recently – 1000+ yards and 6 or more scores in 08.
Chris Henry – more touchdowns for the Bengals than Chad Johnson gets.
Adam “Pacman” Jones never gets in trouble again – he also plays offense a little this season and scores at least 4 touchdowns.
Jamal Lewis will be a great buy-low candidate after Week 3 – get him then and reap the benefits. (nephew thinks this is a great call)
Ryan Grant is going to be a beast – 1400 yards and 14 touchdowns are not out of the question.
Reggie Bush – 10+ total touchdowns this season, his highest total of his career.
Deuce McAllister will lead the Saints in rushing yards -even on 3 bad knees.
Maurice Jones Drew – 200+ carries for 1200+ yards and scores at least 14 times – and welcome to JD being a Top 5 fantasy pick for the next 4 years.
Tarvaris Jackson – 20+ touchdowns for the Vikings. (interesting says the nephew)
So does Jason Campbell, but not for the Vikings.
Anquan Boldin catches more balls than Larry Fitzgerald.
Marvin Harrison catches 80+ balls and scores between 8-12 times.
Terrell Owens will lead all receivers in touchdowns – damn his black heart.

Dos and Don’ts: Draft Day Trickery!

Posted on August 19, 2008 by Papa Weimer

I’m not quite as wordy as my nephew, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have knowledge. Sure, he can get all wordily-smurdily, but I have 30 single sentences that will help you during your drafts, during the season, and during sex – believe it! Here they are, the never-dos; the dropped soap, the pissing peak, the naked wander down 5^th avenue at noon – but all in fantasy terms, well mostly all. Confused yet? Here you go…

Never ever pick a quarterback in the 1^st round.
Don’t draft a fantasy team on the fly, cheat sheets and player listings are there for a reason; mostly so you don’t draft guys that have been already drafted.
Run with scissors on draft day, it makes other people afraid of you because you are dangerous.
Take a 3^rd running back before some teams have two, it makes them go crazy.
Don’t ever talk on a cell phone during a draft, and feel free to punch any blue tooth drafter right in the throat.
Barry Sanders and Ahman Green have similar chances to succeed in 2008, so for fun, do draft the former right after the latter is selected.
When people make terrible picks, do mock them by saying you were just about to pick that guy (especially in the Ahman Green then Barry Sanders case).
Don’t draft a guy in round 2 and then try to trade him immediately for a guy your buddy picked in Round 3 – it’s just bad form.
If you want Frank Gore because you think he’s going to go nuts this year, do pick him early rather than miss him and watch him do exactly what you thought he’d do.
Don’t talk about Thomas Jones’ biceps at the Sex Store with your girl, she’ll make you wish you haden’t.
Do dabble in the late receiver run.
Don’t you dare waste two picks in the first 5 rounds on quarterabacks.
Don’t get Steve Smiths, Adrian Petersons, or Roy Williams’s confused.
If you’re going to pick like an idiot then make sure you do shower before and after, that way you won’t feel like a bunch of your best friends did you dirty.
Do doo-doo before you draft – nobody likes to wait on a guy in the shitter and it gives you extra time to study up.
Don’t doo-doo while drafting, because then you’ll have to take a shower during the draft and you’ll have to borrow a buddies sweat pants, plus relieving yourself in your pants isn’t cool despite what Happy Gilmore says.
Don’t pick anybody that broke a record last season – the value just isn’t there.
Don’t ever tell me Don’t or I’ll rub your neck beard and karate chop you.
Do physically write down you jack-off friends remarks during the draft – you can either use it against them later or listen to them next year, either way.
Don’t wish you would have – it’s really pretty much the most useless act of all antasy drafts everywhere.
Don’t bring a good buddy that doesn’t know much about football to a longtime league – for his and your sake.
Don’t draft every skill player from your home team, because it doesn’t even work in New England.
Do look at the position you pick out of a hat, but don’t let the others know you looked – that way if you don’t like it you can ask them to blindly trade you picks and sometimes the dumb ones will.
Don’t pick backups for every position unless transactions aren’t free.
Don’t pick a complete starting lineup before you pick back-ups for any single position – nobody that does that ever wins anything.
Don’t pronounce names wrong.
Do feel free to use first names when talking about soon to be legends, Tom, Peyton, Randy, Terrell, LaDainian.
Don’t ever call out “L. Tomlinson” because your cheat sheet doesn’t print first names, because everyone will secretly hate you for it.
Don’t do 12 ESPN Mock Drafts and 3 Yahoo Mock Drafts only to proclaim, “This draft is nothing like the 15 mock drafts I did last night”, because not only do you sound like an idiot but you are an idiot.
Don’t follow every single rule on this list, but 29 out of 30 ain’t bad!

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