Dos and Don’ts: Draft Day Trickery!

I’m not quite as wordy as my nephew, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have knowledge. Sure, he can get all wordily-smurdily, but I have 30 single sentences that will help you during your drafts, during the season, and during sex – believe it! Here they are, the never-dos; the dropped soap, the pissing peak, the naked wander down 5th avenue at noon – but all in fantasy terms, well mostly all. Confused yet? Here you go…

  1. Never ever pick a quarterback in the 1st round.
  2. Don’t draft a fantasy team on the fly, cheat sheets and player listings are there for a reason; mostly so you don’t draft guys that have been already drafted.
  3. Run with scissors on draft day, it makes other people afraid of you because you are dangerous.
  4. Take a 3rd running back before some teams have two, it makes them go crazy.
  5. Don’t ever talk on a cell phone during a draft, and feel free to punch any blue tooth drafter right in the throat.
  6. Barry Sanders and Ahman Green have similar chances to succeed in 2008, so for fun, do draft the former right after the latter is selected.
  7. When people make terrible picks, do mock them by saying you were just about to pick that guy (especially in the Ahman Green then Barry Sanders case).
  8. Don’t draft a guy in round 2 and then try to trade him immediately for a guy your buddy picked in Round 3 – it’s just bad form.
  9. If you want Frank Gore because you think he’s going to go nuts this year, do pick him early rather than miss him and watch him do exactly what you thought he’d do.
  10. Don’t talk about Thomas Jones’ biceps at the Sex Store with your girl, she’ll make you wish you haden’t.
  11. Do dabble in the late receiver run.
  12. Don’t you dare waste two picks in the first 5 rounds on quarterabacks.
  13. Don’t get Steve Smiths, Adrian Petersons, or Roy Williams’s confused.
  14. If you’re going to pick like an idiot then make sure you do shower before and after, that way you won’t feel like a bunch of your best friends did you dirty.
  15. Do doo-doo before you draft – nobody likes to wait on a guy in the shitter and it gives you extra time to study up.
  16. Don’t doo-doo while drafting, because then you’ll have to take a shower during the draft and you’ll have to borrow a buddies sweat pants, plus relieving yourself in your pants isn’t cool despite what Happy Gilmore says.
  17. Don’t pick anybody that broke a record last season – the value just isn’t there.
  18. Don’t ever tell me Don’t or I’ll rub your neck beard and karate chop you.
  19. Do physically write down you jack-off friends remarks during the draft – you can either use it against them later or listen to them next year, either way.
  20. Don’t wish you would have – it’s really pretty much the most useless act of all antasy drafts everywhere.
  21. Don’t bring a good buddy that doesn’t know much about football to a longtime league – for his and your sake.
  22. Don’t draft every skill player from your home team, because it doesn’t even work in New England.
  23. Do look at the position you pick out of a hat, but don’t let the others know you looked – that way if you don’t like it you can ask them to blindly trade you picks and sometimes the dumb ones will.
  24. Don’t pick backups for every position unless transactions aren’t free.
  25. Don’t pick a complete starting lineup before you pick back-ups for any single position – nobody that does that ever wins anything.
  26. Don’t pronounce names wrong.
  27. Do feel free to use first names when talking about soon to be legends, Tom, Peyton, Randy, Terrell, LaDainian.
  28. Don’t ever call out “L. Tomlinson” because your cheat sheet doesn’t print first names, because everyone will secretly hate you for it.
  29. Don’t do 12 ESPN Mock Drafts and 3 Yahoo Mock Drafts only to proclaim, “This draft is nothing like the 15 mock drafts I did last night”, because not only do you sound like an idiot but you are an idiot.
  30. Don’t follow every single rule on this list, but 29 out of 30 ain’t bad!

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