It doesn’t need to be the regular season to make an old man cry. Pre-season flaps, mishandled snaps, contract mishaps and even the clap – there are many things that go on prior to the start of the season than can get an old man like me to well up like a little baby. Okay, you’ve got me, I don’t cry about jack, but there are a lot of things that piss me off. What things? you ask? Well, lets throw a couple out there.
Mike Martz: This son of a bum “offensive genius” gathers a following every single damn year. I thought it was just the last couple years, but with a move to San Francisco and yet another gaggle of blind boobs meandering behind his “brilliance”, recently has become every single damn year. Well, hopefully this hack of a football mind will be forced to chew off the football foot he always jams in his chewer. There’s not one guy that mishandles the feel of a game more than Martz. Go for it on 4th and 6 from the 30? Check. Deep drops with poor offensive lines and no help on elite ends? You bet. Mind games with every damn player on the team? Hey, why not? Turn San Francisco into an offensive juggernaut? Get the hell out of here. I’m not sure if it’s Martz or his faithful followers, but this whole situation makes me want to donkey punch his googly face.
Willis McGahee: Sure, maybe I have a little invested in this moron in my dynasty league, but that aside, is there a guy that tries harder to turn his employer off? There’s going to be a day in sports where guys like this finally can’t find jobs. It may not come soon, but those that won’t buy into the team aspect of team sports will eventually have to go back to school or just find a gutter to lay in. McGahee is the best back in the NFL, just ask him. But now, he might not even be the best back on his team. Rookie stud Ray Rice is turning on the heat in camp, and Willis isn’t healthy enough to show us what he has in the tank. If McGahee ever truly figures it out he might just be a great keeper. For now, he’s just keeping the starting spot warm for Ray.
Tarvaris Jackson: SLIDE!!! Get down! Hurry! Nope, knee injury. Luckily it’s not bad, but TJ, it’s the pre-season, don’t try to be better than the girls you go with. You are going to impress people this season, if, and only if, you can stay healthy.
Steven Jackson: This could go to the Rams as well, but right now it seems like Jackson wants to be the highest paid running back in the league. Even Mrs. Buttersworth is pissed about that. I don’t know where guys that aren’t the best in the league demanding to get paid like they are LT became so popular, but it should stop. For the sake of the Rams, it should stop. For the sake of the game, it should stop. For the sake of those billionaire owners, it should – continue. Jackson is a damn good ball player, but he’s not the best anything in this league. He should get a new contract, and he’s young enough to play one out, but these two sides need to figure it out.
Reggie Bush: Can you please carry the ball for more than 4 yards a touch? Just once during the pre-season so I can believe in you. Ready for this? The best move the Houston Texans have ever made was taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. Believe it. Reggie, I still believe, but you are making it desperately frustrating to drink your cool-aid.
Vince Young: Please complete more than 25% of your passes during the next pre-season game. I think so much of you. I tell people all the time how you are going to be one of the best quarterbacks in your loaded class. So far, Jay Cutler is getting the nod and he looks like he’s asleep all the damn time. Do your thing, stop forcing me to pull out my own nose hairs.
Carson Palmer: I used to think you were the best quarterback in the NFL. You look mediocre at best and I’m hoping it’s just the pre-season. That high-flying act that you and Chad and T.J. were supposed to be has seized to exist. I need more from you. You need consistency. Right now you are breaking my balls.
Marc Bulger: Where have you gone or who was that accurate game manager that put up so many points a couple years ago? I need an answer here. Are you the 50% interception passer that you were last season and now into the pre-season? Or are you the guy that tossed all those touchdowns and kicked Kurt Warner out of a job? Right now I’m baffled. You look terrible. Torry Holt is still wide open, you just can’t get it to him. Do you need Steven Jackson that bad?
DeSean Jackson: You’re making me cry tears of joy right now. You know why? You look like you could be the guy. McNabb needs you really bad. I’d love to see him get a #1 target and your speed could turn you into the guy. Jerry Rice believes in you. McNabb believes in you. I believe in you. I’m pretty sure Yao Ming digs your lightning style. Don’t turn my happy tears into sad rage – keep on doin’ what you’re doin’!