Ask Papa Weimer: Week 7

A couple interesting ones questioning many things from fantasy gods to the ghost of Barry Sanders…  A Halloween special two weeks early? You could say that maybe.

Red Red Ryan from Walla Walla texts me this, “Papa Weimer, I’m in trouble. I think I might have done something to disappoint the fantasy Gods, or whomever it is that decides the balance of such things. You see, last week I lost in both of my fantasy leagues – but here’s the real trick, they were both ties and I dropped the soap with my overtime players in both situations. Two ties, two losses, same week – that is black magic if I’ve ever seen it. Is there anything you suggest that I should do? I’m really looking for some help here. Thanks in advance…”

Red Red Ryan, I think I got what you need. From the photo I’ve seen of you I noticed that you do indeed have red hair. Like America’s fortune 100 (in which not a single one is married to or dating a red head), Fantasy Gods seem to have a thing against red hair. Look at Carson Palmer for example – his hair has become more and more red over the years, and he’s still stuck in Cincinnati with a guy that changed his name to a false spanish number, on a losing team, and now he’s having shoulder and confidence issues – and he was probably the best red head ever, at anything, in the whole world. I say die your hair black or brown or even lime green – all three could be good looks for you. Die your hair guy is usually a joke to me, but i this case I’ll make an exception. Two ties with overtime losses, that does sound pretty amazing, and you also tell me that you never win playoff games in fantasy, that’s surely another fantasy god curse.  Here’s the deal with fantasy gods though, they aren’t really gods, they are a three man group including Mike “Splinter” Shannahan, Shannon “Horse Face” Sharpe, and Warren “Many” Moon(s). If there’s anyway you can please one of those unholy beasts then you can indeed get the fantasy fortune back on your side. My suggestion, don’t say things like “Why can’t you just give the ball to Tatum Bell, he has a great Yards Per Carry average!??!!” or “Shut your big dumb mouth Shannon, you played with freaking John Elway for God’s sake, you should be the all time touchdown leader you loud ass,” and definitely not, “Warren, thanks for your run and shoot input, but you are one bad female encounter away from a new version of your offense, the Shoot and Run.” None of these things will make them happy, and losing on ties will forever be your calling card. If that’s too much for you to handle, here’s the short version… Die hair, slap an old school #1 Huskies uni on, and watch the Ninja Turtles first movie – onward march young red bag….

Digs from Detroit says, “Okay, listen here – I know there’s that curse of the bambino and the Cubs curse, but I’m here in Detroit telling you that we have a curse of Barry Sanders – it’s killing me. I thought Matt Millen was the problem, but it may be more than that. I might trade Michael Turner for Barry Sanders and just see what happens, maybe the curse will be lifted? Let me know, and I’ll pull the trigger. We haven’t had a good runner since then, and our team sucks balls – give me a glimmer of hope old man.”

Ah, the curse of Bewwy – yes indeed. I wouldn’t trade anyone to get him, but for fantasy luck I like to take Sanders with my last pick in any league that allows more than 16 roster spots – he seems to sprinkle good ju-ju on my running back selections, and even thought the chances of him being fantasy relevant are just a slight bit higher than Adam “Frogger” Jones staying out of trouble, the good he does as a mentor has been priceless. I always have good running back luck. Say this year for example, after Round 5 I got Matt Forte. Then in Rounds 10 and 15 I got Chris Johnson and then Steve Slaton. Add that to my 3rd overall pick of Marion Barber and my 3rd round pick of Michael Turner and you’ll see why I’m dominating my 3 RB PPR league. But that’s just fantasy wise, and it looks like you are trying to stop something bigger, something more in the reality scheme than the fantasy realm. Hmmm… I’ve got it. Go back in time and get the Lions to not make so many draft mistakes. I’m not throwing Gosder Cherilus under Matt Millen’s bus quite yet, give him time first, but lets go back here… 2007 – Calvin Johnson is very good, no doubt, but Joe Thomas is one of the best Tackles in the league – ask any football knowledgeable guy and he’ll tell you the difference between an elite receiver and an elite tackle. 2006 – Ernie Sims is good (a little small and prone to nicks), but Jay Cutler is a stud that could have been had. That would have meant the Lions taking a guy that wasn’t a college all world player though, which is rare for them in Round 1. 2005 – Mike Williams over (well anybody) but great players that soon followed… DeMarcus Ware, Shawne Merriman, Jammal Brown – each was taken in order directly after the Lions ignored all the good scouts directions. Stupid. 2004 – Roy Williams is a quality receiver with big time big play potential, but once again the Lions are putting a lot of their money into receiver – look at that historically, not a great move. Who could they have had? Oh, I don’t know, Ben Roethlisberger, Tommie Harris, Shawn Andrews, Vince Wilfork, Steven Jackson, Bob Sanders – but Ben and Tommie and Shawn and Vince would be 4 great options to have drafted. I can play this game all day, but any team that blows high picks on mediocre players will become terrible. In ’03 it was Charles Rogers over Andre Johnson, Terrence Newman, Jordan Gross, Terrell Suggs, Marcus Trufant, Troy Polamalu – the list goes on and one. Some teams make mistakes, no doubt, it’s just that Detroit does it every year. They error on the side of fantasy numbers. You can’t do that in real football. Millen’s gone, there’s my glimmer – also, there’s lots of mistakes to see where to go next. If they can learn from them, your Lions will be alright. For now, keep Mike Turner my man – he’s hope for your chances.

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