Ten for Tuesday: Week 8 NFL Football

It is nice to see Eli Manning switch back to the pouty-faced Ellie that I’ve known and loved for so long. Ellie is back to his inaccurate throws, shame-faced box crab looks, and more importantly, the Giants losing games. Not only did they lose on Sunday, but the Eagles just absolutely destroyed them. The Giants have fallen in love with this Eli guy, the guy they gave more money too than any other team pays any other quarterback, but with Eli you get Ellie, and that’s the guys playing right now…..   I had forgotten, but Steven Jackson is one of the best players in football. How do I know that? Well, while everyone else in America was watching a good football game, I was viewing the car-wreck that was Detroit hosting St. Louis. There’s something about it, I just couldn’t keep my eyes off of this game. Nobody should have to see something like that, but here I was, in awe. Steven Jackson was straight beasting everybody on the Lions team. I think he even had time to boo Matthew Stafford. While watching the game I learned a couple more things…    Marc Bulger is a terrible quarterback. Despite not getting much offensive line help, it’s hard for me not to tear into this guy. He steps backward every time he throws, setting his receivers up to get blasted, he’s gun shy, he’s basically the opposite of everything good. His best day isn’t close to Ellie’s saddest tear-filled outing….    And once again, the all stars from these two teams couldn’t get together to win more than 5 games. Steven Jackson would still be trying to carry the team on his back while a poor quarterback option failed to get the ball to Calvin Johnson. The offensive line would be a little better, but still not good. The Defensive line would have a couple players to rush the pass, but still get eaten up on the ground, and the Ramlion secondary would still get eaten up by opposing quarterbacks. All that and they would not get to play each other, what car-wreck of a game would I watch then?

It’s hard for me to say that Shawn Merriman is back, but at least he’s got a couple sacks to his name. The “Lights Out” dance artist himself was back in action. It seems like playing against the Raiders shouldn’t even count for season stat totals, but the bottom line is that the NFL still recognizes the Raiders as a team, and Merriman’s two sacks against “NFL Starting QB” Jamarcus Russell were his first sacks of the season…..     Speaking of JaMarcus Russell, I can’t even stand behind this kid anymore, it’s not his poor ability to see the field (see tunnel vision), or his consistent practice of overthrowing receivers, it’s not even his lack of mobility and terrible footwork, I don’t even think it’s his hideous work ethic and carelessness, but his absolute lack of reality kills me. After the game this guy had the mental clown work to claim that he played well. If you play crappy, at the very least you can keep your mouth shut and just try harder. JaMarcus obviously has problems keeping his mouth shut…..

Marques Colston is borderline unguardable. Drew Brees likes to get everyone involved, hitting open receivers all over the field, but when things get tight and Drew needs that 15 free yards, he just throws a ball about 12 feet in the air in the direction of Colston. Colston has great jumps for a big guy, and even more impressive are his ball skills. He always grabs the ball at the height of his jump, and his timing is perfect….   The Titans finally got a win, and I have to be honest, Vince Young had something to do with that. He may have looked uncomfortable at times, and his 15 for 18 passing performance may look better than it actually was, but his 12 rushes for 30 yards were bigger than they looked. Defenses have to pay attention to him. But even more important than anything Vince did was how the Titans called plays with Vince in there. They went back to being a run-centric team, throwing just 18 times while rocking 49 attempts on the ground. If it takes Vince to get that coaching staff to commit to what makes this offense good, then Young’s presence is more important than anyone gives him credit for……

I really appreciate John Fox pulling his own head out of his tail pipe just in time to eliminate me from a survivor pool, but what took so long? You have an overpaid game-managing quarterback with two great running backs and an offensive line that consistently mauls opposing defensive lines. Yet this guy fell in love with throwing the ball when he was down a few points. Maybe it was his offensive coordinator, but that is the head coach’s fault too. If I have Jake Delhomme at QB, and DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart running the ball, I’m running the ball 70% of the time at the very least….  Speaking of offenses that don’t know who they are, how long can Bills coaches have jobs in Buffalo? Their game against Houston was a situation where their run game was working. They were up for 3 quarters, have two very good running backs, have no good quarterbacks, and yet you have Lynch and Jackson getting just 9 rushes each. Ridiculous. It makes me sick.

Sunday Observations: Week 7 NFL Football

“My buddy Josh had this great idea, take some of our best comments to each other from Sunday’s action, the group’s best and worst textual masterpieces, and put them together in one article for all to see. Sometimes our day-time observations can be priceless, other times hilarious, and every once in a while even useful.” That’s basically what you need to know. This week, Red Red Ryan joined the text-party and he had a few funny observations as well. Here’s some stuff to read…

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Josh Arsenault

1. Two kick return TDs against me last week by Eddie Royal and Denver’s brutal special teams unit. Two long-ass defensive TD returns by slow F***ing Steelers’ defensive players this week. Pretty much amazing. I hate fantasy football.

2. Sydney Rice is a beast. I wonder why it took an old man with a beard to get everyone to finally realize that.

3. If you listen carefully you can hear that very last drip of last season’s mixture of Tim Hightower cool-aid going down the drain. Beanie runs hard and fast.

4. Adrian Peterson just decleated Randall Gay, then stepped on him as he ran for 15 more yards, and that was on Gay’s attempted tackle attempt on Peterson’s grab. Is anybody better than him?

5. TO had more catches than drops. 3-2. First time in a long time.

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Lucky Lester

1. Somebody needs to tell Tony Dungy that there are no ghosts in the NBC studio, no murderers either. Could he look more frightened? (Red Red Ryan’s answer: Seriously. It looks like he went #3 in his pants.)

2. If Austin Miles is not for real, he has been one hell of a Dan Brown novel the last two weeks. (Red Red Ryan’s response: I’d read that just to find out that Romo is really trying to MF him in the end.)

3.  I’m pretty sure Reggie Bush just jumped from the 12 yard-line into the end-zone. Nuts. The movie IT has nothing on Reg in the open field.

4. This is the Eli Manning I was talking about prior to the season when I said, stay away! Ellie, if you will.

5. Carolina’s thinking down 7-2 after half: “We don’t have much time, the sun is setting on us, the alarm clock is about to go off, I don’t know if we can get back in the game, the hour glass, the sand, it’s falling… Lets throw, hurry, lets throw early and often, it’s our only chance!!! Unreal.

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Papa Weimer

1. Cedric Benson > Jay Cutler in Cincinnati today. And it’s not close. I’m willing to bet Chicago didn’t see that coming.

2. I started Steve Breaston over Anquan Boldin because I didn’t want the Cardinals to F me like teams usually do when they say a player might play when they have a high ankle sprain. Now I F’d me. Great.

3. Mark Sanchez is eating a hot dog on the sidelines in the middle of a game… well kind of, the Jets are playing Oakland. How big of a crap would the media take if JaMarcus Russell was doing the same thing on his sideline? (Lucky’s response: One hot dog for JaMarcus is like one skittle for a normal guy, and I imagine the media’s bowel movement wouldn’t be nearly as big as your average Russell poo.)

4. I hope that stupid Fox Robot gets stuck out in the rain this week. If his stupid ace can get all rusty, maybe they won’t have him do stupid ish every time they’re trying to show some stupid statistic during football games. (Arse’s response: He’ll pull out a robo-umbrella.)

5. Wow, Jeremy Shockey absolutely beasted that corner. I wonder if he was saying, “Bit**, Pu**y, Wuss, I own you, you suck, want another stiff arm, how about a shot to your face mask, a slap to your head, i’ll kick you and step on your soul if you fall down…” He had about that much time.

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Red Red Ryan

1. Go ahead and add Jake Delhomme to the FML club with Kerry Collins. And go on ahead and throw JaMarcus Russell in there too. (Lucky’s response: They are both already co-owners of that website. I’m pretty sure Jake designed it, JaMarcus tried to eat it, so Jake made him pay for half, now co-owners…)

2. I wish the Bears game was on TV so I could see Cutler’s face after all of his turnovers. It’s just not the same on ESPN play by play. (Papa’s response: I’m watching it right now and it’s that goofy half-drunk face he makes as if it’s everyone’s fault but his own.) (Red’s new response: I would feel better about hating Jay if I was at all sure that he didn’t have fetal alcohol syndrome as a baby.)

3. Receivers are dying in Dallas right now. Atlanta Falcons receivers got blown up on back to back plays. Matt is buying everyone’s dinner tonight. (Josh’s response: Miles Austin lives!)

4. Wow. Carolina is using all their time outs with 6 minutes left in the game. Either they’re drinking what Cutler is drinking or they are… nope, they are drinking Cutler’s magic moon shine.

Sunday Observations: Week 6 NFL Football

My buddy Josh had this great idea, take some of our best comments to each other from Sunday’s action, the group’s best and worst textual masterpieces, and put them together in one article for all to see. Sometimes our day-time observations can be priceless, other times hilarious, and every once in a while even useful. You need to know, I have Sunday ticket, Josh is braving the darkness of Alaska and whichever games they show up there, Papa never leaves his dungeon, and Red Red Ryan couldn’t take part in this week’s texting session because his red hair (and female partner) wouldn’t allow him to do so. The bottom line is, we all watch football in different places, so we keep our texting handy to pretend we’re watching the games together. So, Red was out this week but still, Papa, Josh, and I sent texts to and fro. Here’s the Top 15, compiled by yours truly…

Josh Arsenault

1. Percy Harvin is a speed guy that loves to hit people… Watch him block from the slot and it’s easy to see why the Vikings love him.

2. Ray Rice’s game reminds me of MJD…. He and Flacco have a chance to be special for a long time.

3. John Fox makes coaching look hard… Here’s a tip, Foxy: D-Will, D-Will, J-Stew, D-Will, J-Stew, J-Stew, D-Will… Somebody get this guy a Tecmo Bowl playbook.

4. There is nobody in the NFL I enjoy watching lose more than Jay Cutler… Except maybe Al Davis… Here’s hoping Culter winds up with the Raiders at some point.

5. No team is more bi-polar than the Seattle Seahawks… Their two wins were shutouts (28-0 and 41-0) and their four losses have been by an average margin of 15 points. Which one will it be coming off their bye?

Lucky Lester

1. Rummaging through the games I think I’ve watched five offensive plays by the Bills, and I’m pretty damn sure Terrell Owens has three drops. If the average team has 60 offensive plays, TO is on pace to drop 36 balls based on my numbers – that has to be a record.

2. Joshua Cribbs is unreal, but unless he returns 5 kickoffs and punts for touchdowns, the Browns aren’t going to have a chance to win this game.

3. How do nine football games manage to all be on commercial at the same time, and not one has reached half time? On the bright side, the Tampa game is showing their cheerleaders, and I’m pretty sure they are only wearing jerseys – there might be black panties under there, but I’m not sure.

4. The Jaguars must really stink, because Maurice Jones Drew is really freaking good and they still suck.

5. I hate watching Jake Delhomme, he’s like a Ben Stiller movie, I feel embarrassed for the guy. He tries so hard but he just keeps zipping his junk up in his zipper. The guy can dig himself a hole with the best of them.

Papa Weimer

1. I hope Jim Zorn realizes that it’s not the quarterback, it’s him. Jason Campbell is better than Todd Collins, that’s why he’s started over the past 2 seasons. It’s the play calling, the dead end coaching spot, and the general broke down feeling of the Skins franchise.

2. I feel bad for Todd Haley, his offense plays like the last 3 eight grade teams I coached. They jump off-sides like it’s their job, they miss assignments all day long, and they do just enough to give you a glimmer of hope before they rip it away with a holding penalty and two jumps off-sides on back2back2back plays.

3. If you got paid a million dollars to get knocked out, and you got to pick one guy to make sure the job got done right, which player in the league would you choose to rock your world? I got Ray Lewis. (Josh replies, Brian Dawkins) (Lucky replies, Aaron Curry)

4. Hahahaha… The Rams are going to win, the Rams are going to win! Leonard Little, pick 6, the worst team in the league won’t tie the Lions for the worst record ever!

5. The Rams lose. Figures. If the Rams and Bucs gave all their best players to fight for a singular cause, they’d still get beat 12 times a year.

Fantasy Football Picks Ten for Tuesday

“I bet Braylon Edwards thinks he’s died and gone to career heaven.” At least that’s what Josh Arsenault says, and right now I believe him 100%. He’s probably writing thank you letters, sending fat Man-jina sandwiches, and going out to punch little kids as we speak. Dude is celebrating big, and why shouldn’t he? He knows the new offense he’s in, he has a quarterback with a shiny bright future, and a new lease on his football life. Career heaven. Haha. Indeed….    Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn. You say tomato, I say shitty. Everyone was wondering why that donkey Man-jina took so damn long to pick a starting quarterback this year; now you know why. He probably would have rather punched his own face numerous times than anoint one of those over-hyped signal caller’s his starting quarterback. Now we see why Braylon dropped so many balls in Cleveland, he was so damn surprised to see a ball get anywhere close to his hands he didn’t know what to do with the pig skin. 2 for 17, Derek Anderson, are you kidding me? 1 interception? And you win the game? Well, I guess on the bright side he had twice as many completions to his team than to the opponent. The situation in Cleveland is giving JaMarcus Russell something to smile about, at least he’s not a 2 for 17 QB like that guy. You’ve got to start somewhere….   Tom Brady has to be pissed, or maybe he’s to blame? whatever it is, the Patriots draw calls late in the game were pathetic. One of the most accurate passers in the game, with Randy Moss and Wes Welker running routes, ends up handing the ball to Kevin Faulk on back to back plays in hopes of a first down, and what happens? No first down, they have to punt, it goes into overtime, and Josh McDaniel’s Broncos get the win. I may be bitter because I took the Patriots, but there’s just something painfully “careful” about the way the Patriots have been playing, and I don’t like it one bit. When did Mike Holmgren get in Belichick’s ear anyway? After this game, I expect the Patriots to get back to their rifleman way…..    It was pointed out to me that the Washington Redskins have yet to play a team coming into a game. They may be just 2-3, and they go up against yet another winless team on Sunday, but even if they get to .500, you’d have to think they have a very tough road ahead. After this Sunday, their days of playing winless teams is likely over, and I imagine their shot at .500 has the same fate. If you can get somebody that believes in Clinton Portis or Santana Moss, you might entertain their offers….   I would be pretty stunned if St. Louis wins a football game this year. I know there are lots of terrible teams this season, and in fact four teams have started 0-5, which is pathetic in and of itself. The Raiders aren’t even one of them. But Kansas City has shown me some promise, and I think they win a couple games. Even Tampa Bay, who most think are hapless, will win a couple by just pounding it out against poor run defenses, they have the talent on the line and in the backfield to run the ball successfully. And Tennessee is just too good to lose more than 10 games, they should finish around .500 (at least) the rest of the way. But the Rams? Where’s their gimmie game? If they don’t win at Jacksonville this week (and I don’t think they have a chance) or in Detroit in Week 8 (I think the Lions kill them), then they will only find a win next to the pot of gold at the end of the freaking rainbow. They are brutal. They have been outscored 146-34 on the season: brutal…..   Speaking of the Lions, how good was Daunte Culpepper this weekend? Really good. When you consider that the only real pass threat, and the teams best player, Calvin Johnson, went down with an injury right off the bat, and the fact that Pittsburgh blitzed and hit him all day long, and his running back had 20 carries for 53 yards, that he got his team within a score late in the 4th quarter was flat out amazing. 23 for 37 for 282 yards and a touchdown, for the Lions, without Calvin – please. The Lions best chance to win now is with Pep in at Q. Unfortunately, they still don’t have a great chance to win, and thus Stafford will be back at the helm in no time….     Denver and Cincinnati are good teams. I told you at the beginning of the season, and I’ll tell you again now. Will they continue to win at the rate they are right now? I can’t promise that, but I will say this, both teams will be in nearly every single game this year. Just like Mike Singletary found out this Sunday against Atlanta, every team can have a down game and get blown out, but the Broncos, Bengals, and 49ers for that matter, will be in the thick of things all season long. The tides, they are a changing….    Miles Austin goes big league chew on me (and the Chiefs) this Sunday, and the Cowboys need every one of those yards to walk out of Kansas City with a win? You’ve got to be kidding me. But Miles wasn’t the only Austin to kill me this week. I went into the week starting Anquan Boldin, Steve Smith, and Randy Moss as my receivers over two guys with Austin in their names (Miles and Collie), and a rookie that had 6 catches and no touchdowns to his name prior to Week 5, one Jeremy Maclin. And I was stupid enough to think I had a huge advantage. How huge was my advantage? Those three Week 5 super heroes beat my entire fantasy team all by themselves. Maclin put up 146 and a couple scores, Collie scored twice as well, and Miles broke out for 250 yards with 2 scores on 10 catches. Miles Austin > Roy Williams and his ribsies….  Speaking of huge games, Miles just barely beat out Roddy White this week. Roddy had a couple fewer catches and 40 fewer yards, but 210 and 2 scores on 8 catches isn’t too shabby. White was bound to break out, and while I though that would come in a week where he wasn’t being guarded by one of the league’s top corners, Nate Clements, I was dead wrong. Roddy big brothered the Niners all day long, and Matt Ryan put on big boy pants getting his man the ball all day long. Michael Turner’s return to 4+ yards per carry helped as well. With the 49ers struggling to stop the run, that play action pass did wonders for Matt and the Falcons…..   Andre Johnson’s play to score his second touchdown will have a place in my eyes as one of the Top 10 plays of the season. As if the catch wasn’t nice enough, he reacted quick enough to run over Karlos Dansby instead of getting trucked himself, he then waived off another tackler, before big brothering the Cardinals safety into the end zone. Dirty. Andre Johnson is an absolute beast…..   Brett Favre is on pace to accrue the highest completion percentage of his career. Now I know it’s just Week 6 we’re coming up to, but Brett has the best rushing attack he’s ever had, he gets all the time in the world to throw, and he’s taking fewer Favre-chances than ever before. He’s as accurate as ever, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he kept up his end of the bargain all season long. What has me a little worried is that Adrian Peterson and that ‘Sota running game hasn’t looked nearly as good as it has been over the last couple seasons…. Yeah, you counted right, that’s 11! See you next week!

Fantasy Football News: Ten for Tuesday

This is where Lucky Lester breaks down NFL news (usually from the week that was and usually 10 newsworthy happenings) and how it effects fantasy football owners going forward. Let the games begin… Now! We can’t wait until Thursday!

Matt Cassel was back at practice on Monday, going through all the drills and looking relatively healthy in doing so. If you’re starting the youngster, who is pitching pigskin for an offense that scored just two touchdowns this pre-season, on a team that is going up against the Baltimore Ravens in Baltimore – then you have more to worry about than Cassel’s kneesies…   LenDale White not only feels no regret from his terrible towel stomping escapades of yesteryear, he’d do it again, and he expects to. Luckily, we don’t have to wait too long for this to play out, as opening night sees Pittsburgh come to Tennessee for what promises to be a big one. On the matter of big and LenDale White, most would enter a fat joke here – but the young TD machine lost 20 pounds this off-season, and looks to have lost some of that baby fat that was holding his break-away speed back. He has looked better than Chris Johnson this pre-season – but that’s just the pre-season…   Speaking of the Titans, Kenny Britt might be a guy to stash away for this week’s game. He’s not owned in most leagues, but the kid is a beast, no doubt about that, and I’m pretty sure he’s starting. If he shows well against the Steelers, I don’t think he’ll go back to the back-up role, and at the very least you could have nice trade bait. If it doesn’t work out this Thursday, just drop him and pick up that other 16th guy on your roster instead…    This past weekend Tila Tequila (nice name for a tramp) called in a citizen’s arrest on Shawne Merriman for “choking her and holding her against her will”. Sounds bad, but the more I read the more I think this thing will blow-over, regardless of what actually happened. Now I’m almost always on the side of the accuser in these cases, usually to a fault, but this girl is a full blown gong show, and every poor ace-hole that accidentally ran across her stupid show, when they pushed the channel up button too fast, knows it. I’m not saying Shawne’s guilty or innocent, but he is guilty of dating one of the crazier funny-looking fake chicks in the universe. Miss Tequila had more than a couple Tequila shots prior to the incident and Merriman claims to have been “just keeping a friend safe…” All that being said, I would hate to be the Raiders’ offense this weekend. Shawne’s one bad-bad football man, and having charges brought against him by a crazy reality TV star probably won’t cool him off for Sunday’s action. I wouldn’t even want to practice against the guy this week… I’ve always been a huge fan of Sammie Stroughter since his early years at Oregon State. The former Beaver has gone through some tough times, and emerged as a stronger guy because of it. After getting picked late on day 2 of they ’09 NFl Draft, Stroughter has been strong in Bucs’ Camp, and has been recently named the #3 receiver in Tampa. Now I don’t think Tampa will throw much more than 45% of their offensive snaps, but for those deep dynasty league owners, this kid is legit…   Matthew Stafford was named the starting quarterback, but I wouldn’t be stunned at all if Culpepper got the job back a few games into the season. Stafford has a strong arm, no doubt, and his touch isn’t bad, but I watch him play and I don’t think he’s ready. I’ll admit that he has a bright future, but after a couple weeks of struggling, and a couple weeks for Culpepper to be completely healthy, I think the job goes back to the ex-Viking…   That being said, Brandon Petitgrew was also named the starter for the Lions, and he’ll be a solid option regardless of who stays at QB. BP came in with Stafford this year, and I’m sure their relationship is strong because of it. Pep loves throwing to TEs, and you know defenses will be most focused on Calvin Johnson and then Kevin Smith. As a 3rd option for a team that expects to be playing from behind, I like Petitgrew’s upside…   Tim Hightower was named the starting RB in Arizona, and I don’t think that’s just a one-week gig. Many people will say that the Cardinals didn’t waste a 1st rounder on a RB to see him be a back-up, but that’s actually happened a lot. It’s not so long ago that the Cardinals were high on Hightower, and the guy put in work this off-season and looks faster and smarter with his cuts this pre-season. Beanie Wells will get touches, but he didn’t get drafted to take the starting job, he got drafted because he was the most talented player left on the board. No promises were given…. Eric Mangini is up to his old wiley ex-Patriot tricks again, not naming a starter to the public. Who cares, first of all – you shouldn’t. If you do, it must be because you are a Browns fan, or stuck with one of these guys as a back-up, and in that case you had to see some pre-season action, look at the way the team has reacted, the way the ball was moved with one guy or another, it’s pretty damn clear to me that Quinn is the guy in Cleveland….   Pierre Thomas didn’t practice Monday, and that means those that got Reggie Bush late have a very talented starting running back, that was amongst the league leaders before going down with an injury last season, going up against the vaunted Lions defense in Week 1. It has baffled me all summer/fall to see Bush going so late, especially in PPR leagues. Is he a chance? Sure, but a chance well worth taking. It seems his hype became too much to handle and the guy turned into fantasy owner poison. Put that on pizza and beer and your bound to cause a mass epidemic aimed toward fat guys 10x as deadly as swine flu.

Football this Thursday! See you next Tuesday!!