Mr. Ferguson let me down!
7-8-1
It’s tough when Jesus lets you down on Christmas. Not only was Chris Ferguson wrong, but he took me down with him. In the end, I was accosted by animals all throughout the family loving Christmas weekend!
LOSERS
Buffalo @ Cincinnati (-13.5) – The crafty Bengal was the first to let me down as the mammoth Bill rammed me over and over until I couldn’t feel it any longer. To put it simply I felt like Jenna Jameson after a bout with Mr. Ron and his overworked friend Pedro. This one hurt!
San Diego (+1.5) @ Kansas City – Like I said, “Larry Johnson will shine in this game.” That’s that. Larry’s shine out shone “The best back in the league,” Ladainian Tomlinson. It pains me to suggest it, but if Larry started all year would he take the yardage in a season record? His 8 game stats suggest he’d be close. The Chargers let me down again, ending there playoff homes. There wasn’t an animal that hurt me in this one, but the Chiefs did a dandy job filling in.
Tennessee (+6) @ Miami – “I was thinking Miami, but when I went to the fridge I came back thinking Tennessee.” (Me) This just shows, always trust your gut, unless you fill it up with a bunch of three day old eggnog and some two week old chocolate pie. The Titans didn’t stand a chance after Steve McNair went down. The Dolphin was my enemy in this match, the crafty water mammal splashed me with his flipper then nudged me rather rudely right in the junk.
Dallas @ Carolina (-5) – Bledsoe was sacked 8 times, but the Panthers couldn’t pull it together and find Steve Smith for the game winning touchdown. What’s that? No one could find Smith? Oh, that’s because he got booted from the game because he grabbed the referee and shook his ass like the zebra-bitch that he is. That should be the rule. You fuck up a call you get shook like a bitch. Roll on Steve! Win this week and you’re in, that’s good enough for me. Shat on by a Panther. The animal abuse continues.
NY Giants (+3) @ Washington – Mark Brunell went down and I thought I had this one in the bag. I was wrong. Patrick Ramsey actually looked pretty good, but it was the Redskin defense that came out and smacked Eli Manning like the little pain in the ass brother that he is. Tiki Barbar didn’t get enough touches, but the Giants clinched a playoff birth anyway. Crazy Giants, those animals always come out and… okay, not animals, I know. They killed me nonetheless.
Philadelphia (+1) @ Arizona – This was a match of the birds, so I knew I was in for a treat. The Eagles stormed out of the gates like the Eagles of old and finished like the new loser Philly squad that they are. Ryan Moats broke my balls with 0 fantasy points and Josh McCowen came in and sniped the Cardinals a victory. This is something Kurt Warner had a very tough time doing all year. Coincidence? Yes. Birds will peck you to pieces, don’t be fooled by their soft feathers. They may eat like a tall, skinny, pube head, but they are to be feared!
New England @ NY Jets (+5) – “This time Jesus and I disagree. I don’t think the Patriots have anything to play for, in which case they’ll sit Tom Brady in turn giving away all chances of winning, even against the lowly Jets.” I was dead wrong and Mr. Chris Ferguson was right. That didn’t happen all weekend, just in this one case where I bet against the card shark. The Patriots scattered the ball around and the Jets never had a chance from the get go. Stinky nuts!
Minnesota (+3) @ Baltimore – Well if you weren’t tricked by Boller’s good game last week, then you were tricked again by the Boller-meister this week. That sneaky Californian! Boller might work out after all. Who knows, the Ravens might even resign Jamal Lewis after he ran some signs of life. All I know is, Ravens are dirty. They’ll eat garbage off the streets and steal your money right out of your pockets if you don’t move fast enough. I was slow. They jacked me up like Tom Jackson!
WINNERS
Pittsburgh (-7) @ Cleveland – “If the Steelers win out, they’ll find themselves in the playoffs. The Browns have played well of late, but there is no way they get in the way of the Steel Show making it to the post season. They just aren’t that kind of team. They’ll sneak by the Raiders. They’ll beat the Titans. They won’t upset the Steelers. Big Ben struggled to produce last week, but with the way his defense played he didn’t need to throw touchdowns. This week, Ben will attempt to get his cannon up to speed right before the playoffs.” (Me) Unfortunately for the Chiefs, I think the Steelers are ready. Ben looked good, completing passes to 6 different receivers without committing a turnover. Hines Ward looked good, and Willie Parker, Vernon Haynes, and Jerome Bettis all rushed for a score. Both Pitt and New England look good right about now.
Jacksonville (-6) @ Houston – “Throw out all history and all the previous games this season. The Jaguars need to win this game to assure their place in the playoffs. Sure, they played more like pussy cats than Jaguars last week against the 49ers, but that was last week. The Jags will dominate the Texans, just as the Houston should hope. Expect Fred Taylor to shine in a game he’ll be relied on to move the ball. David Garrard will find Jimmy Smith, Reggie Williams, and Ernest Wilford for a couple scores as the Jaguars pummel the Texans. Don’t be confused by a couple out-of-character games last week. These two teams will return to their old selves.” (Me) When you’re right on like this you have to boast. Garrard looked solid, and Wilford, Williams, and Smith combined for 238 yards and a touchdown. Fred Taylor carried the load to the tune of 22 carries for a 101 yards and a touchdown. LaBrandon Toefield had 3 touchdowns on 4 carries. Good ratio.
Detroit (+3) @ New Orleans – This game was just as bad as it looked. The only touchdown in the game was scored by a 6’5″ 365lb monster of a defensive tackle, Shaun Rogers. John Carney had four field goals, but Jason Hanson had two in the 4th quarter to sink the Saints’ ship. That’s all I have to say. The game was gross!
San Francisco (+9) @ St. Louis – “The 49ers are getting too many points to bet against them this week in St. Louis. Plus, they’re playing against St. Louis. St. Louis is responsible for half of the 49ers’ victories this year.” (Me) Make that 66%. How pathetic is that? Feels good to be a horned goat right about now doesn’t it? Little do the Niners know, but just like Jesus said, both of these teams lost on Sunday. The Rams lost the game and the Niners lost the chance of taking home Reggie Bush on draft day. Even with a loss to the Texans next week, there will be a team with a lesser strength of schedule with three wins. Idiots!
Indianapolis @ Seattle (-7) – Hold the Hawks. Seattle would win in a heads up game even if the Colts cared about the outcome of the game. Alexander’s going to be a Colt headache. (Ferguson) Like Chris said, this one was easy for the Hawks. A headache indeed; Shaun got his three touchdowns, now all he needs is one more to become the all time leader. Sweet Shaun! Take it to the bank. Then, take your own self to the bank and cash that new touchdown maker machine check.
Chicago (-6.5) @ Green Bay – “The Bears are a good football team. I made it on the bandwagon last week, and Jesus is on it with me this week. Hold this hand! These Bears might even win a playoff game with Rex on board. Ferguson is right. Rex Grossman gives the Bears a piece of the puzzle they have been playing without all year.” Rex can get the ball to off season signee, Mushin Muhammad and speedster Bernard Berrien. Kyle just didn’t have the experience to do so. Chicago’s defense is much better than the Ravens. How does that sound Brett? Brett Favre might go his fourth straight game without a touchdown pass. ” (Me) What can I say? I’m Brilliant Guiness style. Rex completed passes down field, and though he didn’t have a great game, he makes it possible for Thomas Jones to get better looks. Lets put it this way, if it’s 3rd and 5, the Bears can now choose to pass or run. Brett had a dandy, 300 yards, nice, how ’bout them 4 picks without a touchdown? Not so nice.
Oakland @ Denver (-13) – “Mike Anderson will eclipse 1000 yards in this game, making him the one billionth different back to gain a grand in Shanahan’s offense. Take the Broncos in what has the making of a shellacking.” (Me) The game only came down to a 19 point differential, but the Broncos were a million times better than the Raiders. Big Mike broke the grand mark, and the Bronco’s celebrated by clinching home field throughout the playoffs until they play the Colts (if that should happen).
PUSH
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (-3) – Push’s suck. It means you were just wrong enough not to win a dime and just right enough to say… “Ah, it was that close.” The damn Buccaneers couldn’t slay the three point spread, but Matt Bryant got my money back. Not bad against those horrible predator birds. They’re dangerous.
Good Luck with your NFL Football Betting!
Lucky Lester – Free Football Picks